Category Archives: Main Course

Lunch With Cinna

He presses a button on the side of the table. The top splits and from below rises a second tabletop that holds our lunch. Chicken and chunks of oranges cooked in a creamy sauce laid on a bed of pearly white grain, tiny green peas and onions, rolls shaped like flowers, and for dessert, a pudding the color of honey.

-From the Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

I really love this scene in the hunger games. Katniss sees the lunch described above, and than goes on for a paragraph, describing what she would have to do back in her poverty-stricken district to assemble the meal, and how even after the several days it would take her to scrounge up the shit she would need, it would still be way sucky compared to the Capitols version of the meal. Kind of makes you feel like a dick for being able to get shit from a grocery store.

Also I didn’t make honey coloured pudding, because I didn’t want to. I think just a butterscotch pudding would do nicely, if you feel like you want to prepare the meal exactly cannon.

Also I roasted a whole chicken, but I think if I made this meal again I would just do baked chicken breasts… possibly baked in the creamy orangey marmaladey sauce.

The chicken is an adaptation of the following recipe:

The differences are more ginger because obviously, chunks of orange in the sauce, and not using Cornish game hens because I am not that fancy and my nearest grocery store is of the discount-seeking-poor-people variety (which is convenient, largely because I happen to be a discount seeking poor person). It could be worse though… at least I don’t have to hunt my dinner in the off limits forest surrounding my district.

What You Need!

Rolls: sketchy tube-croissant dough that you buy to make you feel like you are baking when you are really just rolling dough up and putting it in your oven.

Side Peas:

Three cups frozen peas

2 tablespoons butter

Fresh rosemary

Tiny pickled onions (five or six)

Bed of Pearly Grains:

4 cups water

2 cups orange juice

2 cups pearl barly




One whole chicken for roasting (or chicken breasts)

two lemons

About a cup of grated ginger

¾ cup orange marmalade

2 cups milk

4 tbsp butter

2 tbsp flour

One peeled orange, cut into chunks

What to Do!

Lets start with Rolls Shaped like Flowers, because they are easy as fuck. Basically, you take the croissant dough, and roll it up into the (big reveal) SHAPE OF A FLOWER. Put the flower shaped croissants into a muffin tray. Try and flatten the bottom as best you can, because they are prone to rolling over. Also make a ton because at least half of them will come out looking stupid, unless you have much fancier flower-shape-making skills than I have. Follow the baking instructions on the tube, which is usually bake at 375 for 10 to 15 minutes, until they are golden brown.

For the side peas, melt the butter in a small saucepan and add fresh rosemary. When the butter is hot, add the frozen peas and pickled onions, with just a touch of the sweet brine. Sautee until the peas are cooked, which takes 15 to 20 minutes.

For the chicken, stab the lemon and stuff it in the cavity. Melt 2 tbsp butter and massage the chicken with melted butter and salt. Pop it in the oven at 375 for an hour, than take the chicken out, glaze it with ¼ cup of the marmalade, and bake for another 10 to 15 minutes.

While the chicken is roasting, make the creamy sauce by melting the other two tbsp of butter and adding the grated ginger, the juice of the other lemon, and flour. Slowly add the milk and bring to a simmer.  Add the remaining marmalade, and simmer some more, until the sauce becomes creamy. Add salt to taste (depending on how sweet you want the sauce to be… marmalade is pretty freakin sweet). When the sauce is pretty much done, add the chunks of orange and remove from heat. I also added some of the drippings from the roasted chicken, to savoury-up the sauce a wee bit.

And lastly, the Pearly White Grain bed:

Bring the water and orange juice to a boil, add the barly, and simmer for like an hour. You can add more water or orange juice as it is cooking if the liquid reduces too much. Add salt to taste AFTER you have finished cooking the barly (the salt will adversely affect the liquid absorption of the grain if you add it while its cooking).

This meal yields enough to comfortably feed 2 or 3 people. Even WITHOUT honey coloured pudding for dessert! Enjoy


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Filed under Main Course, Suzanne Collins

Buffalo Chickie Nobs

“This is the latest,” said Crake.

What they were looking at was a large bulblike object that seemed to be covered with stippled whitish-yellow skin. Out of it came twenty thick fleshy tubes, and at the end of each tube another bulb was growing.

“What the hell is it?” said Jimmy.

“Those are chickens,” said Crake. “Chicken parts. Just the breasts, on this one. They’ve got ones that specialize in drumsticks too, twelve to a growth unit.

“But there aren’t any heads…”

“That’s the head in the middle,” said the woman. “There’s a mouth opening at the top, they dump nutrients in there. No eyes or beak or anything, they don’t need those.”

-From Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwoood

Oryx and Crake includes some truly terrifying dystopian sci-fi stuff… but the part of it that always creeped me out the most was the genetically modified foods. Actually thats a lie. The thing that creeped me out the most was the social acceptability and easy access to child pornography. Also the part where almost everybody in the world is eradicated by a pandemic. So I guess the food is a third. But that is still pretty high up on the creepy scale.

As it happens, I am friends with a number of vegetarians and vegans, as well as people with gluten intolerance, people with diabetes, and people with crohns disease. Therefore, one of my favourite games to play is “how do I make _____ (amazing food) something _____ (amazing friend with food issues) can eat”. This particularly grotesque image of an artificial chicken inspired me to make something delicious, if slightly weird and unnatural-seeming. As it happens, ChickieNobs have yet to be invented, and I am in no hurry to see them become a reality. Because of the creepy, and also the fact that shortly afterwards everybody dies from a mysterious plague. Soooooo I had to come up with something ELSE that was sufficiently weird and delicious. The result? VEGATARIAN MUTHAFUCKIN CHICKEN WINGS.

This recipe is made from seitan, which is the same meat substitute you often find in Chinese food. It is NOT made out of tofu, because that would be way too straight forward. It is essentially wheat, with everything except the gluten taken out (so this is not a recipe for my gluten intolerant friends). You can buy this stuff at most grocery stores, in the same place weird not-gluteny flours are sold. It is called “Vital Wheat Gluten” and it goes a pretty long way when you are using it to make seitan.

The other part of this is buffalo sauce, which is the best chicken-wing sauce available hands down. Also I hope I haven’t tapped out your creepy threshold, because I am about to tell you a creepy secret that is creepy.

Buffalo sauce = equal parts butter and Franks Red Hot.

I shit you not, that is actually all that is in it.

This gets complicated for vegans adapting this recipe, because I have yet to discover a vegan margarine that is unsalted… and the easiest way to fuck this recipe up is to accidentally make it too salty. One thing I tried, with pretty good results, was to replace the vegetarian chicken stock with home-made vegetable stock made out of savoury herbs and veggies, and absolutely no salt (to off-set the saltiness of the sauce), and than use Earth Balance brand vegan margarine instead of unsalted butter. I still like the lacto-ovo vegetarian version of this recipe better, so if anybody encounters a vegan unsalted butter substitute PLEASE let me know about it!

Okay so here we go with the recipe finally.

What You Need!

–          1 cup vital wheat gluten

–          ¾ cup whatever your favourite veggie chicken-flavoured broth is, for mixing

–          Some slices of onion

–           6 cups of whatever your favourite veggie chicken-flavoured broth is, for COOKING.

–          Some flour ( about like… 1/3 cup? I dunno … enough to cover the ChickieNobs before frying)

–          Some vegitable oil (again I dunno… enough to deep fry the ChickieNobs)

–          1 ½ cup unsalted butter

–          12 fluid ounces (approx one bottle) of hot sauce. Franks Red Hot is the traditional choice for traditional Buffalo Sauce…however Chicken is the traditional choice for Chicken Wings… so I guess you can use something different if you want to.

To Make the ChickieNobs!

Mix the wheat gluten and the ¾ cup of broth together. You can use a fork or something at first, but you will eventually have to knead it with your hands. It will be the consistency of rubber when its thoroughly mixed (yum!)

Break off small chunks and flatten as much as possible (about 1/3 inches thick is good). I saw a recipe on the internet that called these chunks “cutlets”… which for some reason I find awkward.

Bear in mind that they will grow twice as big after they have been cooked.

Heat up the broth in a large pot, until it is boiling. Add onion. Add the flattened gluten chunks to the broth and cook for about an hour. They will expand and solidify. When they are finished remove from heat. If you do not plan to use all the seitan for ChickieNobs (it also is excellent in stir fries) than store it in the broth in your fridge.

After the seitan has cooled, remove some from broth, pat dry, and cut it into approximately chicken-wing sized bits. Dust the bits with flour, and deep fry until they are crispy on the outside.

While you are frying the ChickieNobs, melt butter in a small saucepan. Slowly add hot sauce to the melted butter, and whisk together. Remove from heat. This is buffalo sauce.

When the ChickieNobs are finished frying, toss them in buffalo sauce and serve!

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Filed under Main Course, Margaret Atwood

Honeyed Chicken a la Winterfell


Wish I could take ALL of the credit for this recipe, but that would be dishonest and lying and infringement. While I have tweaked the recipe ever so slightly, proper credit should go to the lovely ladies at the Inn at the Crossroads, Chelsea Monroe-Cassel and Sariann Lehrer. They have, by the way, put out an amaze-balls actual cookbook (those paper things that you read that are not the internet in case you forgot) called a Feast of Ice and Fire, which you should buy because it is beautiful, official, endorsed and introduced by the Fastest Writer in the Whole Entire Universe himself (yet another thing he has written that is not more books), and also because it looks great on your cookbook-shelf beside the Star Trek official cookbook. You can find their honeyed chicken recipe here

I will be the first to admit that my version of this recipe is a little bit less authentic-seeming than theirs. I will also be the first to assert that mine is delicious and I am willing to suspend my disbelief. As for my changes, first off… roasted carrots with the chicken makes for delicious roasted carrots in honey sauce, which is an instant side dish and is phenomenal. Secondly, chickens roasted with nothing inside them are not nearly as delicious as chickens roasted with stab-wounded lemons stuffed in their carcass. Thirdly, raisins suck.

I also always make two, because they are that delicious.

What You Need!

2 chickens for roasting (approx 6 pounds each)

A bunch of carrots, chopped haphazardly (leave the skins on… but you can wash them if you want)

2 lemons

¼ cup unsalted butter, melted


1 ¾ cups apple cider vinegar

¼ cup red wine vinegar

1 ½ cup honey

A dash of fresh mint

2 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 cup dried cranberries cherries and blueberries mix (‘Irresistibles’ brand makes bags of this called ‘berry medley… I get it from Food Basics for like 4 dollars) OR if you cant find that shit

½  cup dried cranberries

¼ cup dried cherries

¼ cup dried blueberries

Preheat your oven to 450

Put the vinegar and honey together in a saucepan, and let it sit for a bit… the vinegar will break the honey down which I have found is best before putting it on the stove.

Massage the chickens with salt and the melted butter to make them crispy and fabulous. With a sharp knife, stab the lemons within an inch of their lives, and stuff them in the carcass. If the chickens are too small to fit a whole lemon inside them (please note how restrained I am, not making any obvious and tasteless joke here) you can cut the lemon in half, but its best to try and fit the whole thing in (again with the restraint).

Put the chickens in separate roasting pans with their contingent of carrots surrounding them, and cook for about an hour and 20 minutes. You can tell they are done if you stab the leg and the juice runs clear. Check in on them every 20 minutes or so, basting them with their juices to ensure they are not drying out.

While your chickens are roasting, whisk together the now broken down honey and vinegar, heat up on low, and add the rest of the things. You want to simmer this sauce on low for about half an hour, until the fruit plumps up, and the sauce has reduced to half its original volume. This will be totally delicious, and has the added bonus of stinking up your entire house like … boiled vinegar. In light of this, if you are serving honeyed chicken as a part of a dinner party or something, I would recommend making the sauce the day before, or doing it somewhere else.

When the chickens and carrots are done, pour the sauce over them. The cookbook version of this says to set some aside to serve as gravy, but I personally didn’t do that because I wanted to thoroughly drench the chickens and carrots.

People will write songs about you if you serve this to them.

Also! Here is an awesome recipe for soup made with the leftovers :

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October 22, 2012 · 7:06 pm